Breathe

Feeling suffocated ... Need some space to breathe!!

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I miss you...

I knew you cared about me because you made a difference. I knew you wanted me by the way you kissed my forehead. I knew you could love me because your actions spoke louder than words.

I couldn't need you or even love you because I was always trying to change you. I tried To change you into the man I needed you to be. I tried to make you into the man I wanted. Now you're gone ... Now I realize that I should've loved you just for being you. I loved who you were when you with me ... I should have needed you because of who I was when i was with you.

I can't do what they wAnt me to do. I can't do it because your happiness means more than my happiness. I don't think this life is right for you, I don't think she's right for you. You deserve so much more... I know you always said that you weren't good enough, and you're right... You're so much better!! You deserve the best! Please don't settle for anything less ... Come back to me :(

Oh my how time flies...

Five years today?? I can't believe how fast time flies... I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember what I could smell, things I heard, and even the weather.

Early morning ... I remember the phone ringing, next the worry pouring into my soul, next fear striking through my heart. I remember moving faster than I ever have moved before, jumping into my shoes and running through up the stairs and through the field. My hair wasn't combed, I had barely brushed my teeth, I was still in my pajamAs.

Hearing the news was heart breaking ... Seeing the pain in my moms eyes told me something was wrong before she said anything. I remember the anger in my aunts face, the pain in her body language.

Next driving over to his house ... Only to hear screams of pain. it was a noise I never want to hear again: it was a mother mourning the loss of her child. There were people walking everywhere outside, I remember yellow police tape, cars and a priest. I remember my beautiful angel on her knees, she was broken, crushed.

Church the next day was heart breaking... Seeing his babies made my heart hurt more. I remember being unable to keep myself together for days after. Everything made me cry, nothing seemed right.

5 years ago today, you were suddenly taken from our lives without cause or reason. We still miss you more than words can explain, we still remember the wonderful memory you left in out hearts, we think of you often and who you'd be today ... Love you always and I know we'll see you again someday ...

**Now faith is the substance if things hoped for, the evidence if things not seen. Hebrews 11:1**

Total Surrender

How do I totally surrender myself to you? I can't even trust the people around me much less someone I can't see. I don't like it when I don't have control of the situation. I do extra work and would rather do things myself because I have little trust in others and even less trust in myself. I want to love others, I want to trust myself, I want to know YOU. I know of you but I want to know you personally ... What makes you laugh? What makes you smile? How do you like your coffee. I know it sounds strange to want to know these things, but I do.

When I was in Hawaii I loved going to the beach because I was able to see how big and powerful the waves were. They showed me how little control I actually had over life. Tonight I stand in awe watching the rain, seeing the lightning And feeling the thunder. It reminds me of how small I am and how BIG God is.

Please continue to keep pulling on my heart, I hear you ;) and I'm coming, don't forget me yet.

Faith is a gift, it's an ability, an opportunity.

!!!

Wow! Talk about crazy. Feels like I have so much on my plate but yet I am not feeling stressed or overwhelmed...something must be wrong right?!?!? I am totally loving all the support I am getting. School is school...I am actually learning a lot. My classes are interesting and I'm loving my teachers. Work is going good. . . Some people are having a hard time adjusting, but let's not even go there! While work and school are going great it does feel like my social life is falling apart. I guess I should probably take some time to work on that!! Haha.

So blessed. I am so thankful that I have more good days than bad days, more rainbows than rain storms and more smiles than tears. Even when life isnt good and it feels like the rain won't stop I have faith that God will send a rainbow my way ;)

Keep pushing forward and hold tight onto your faith!