Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tears in Heaven
Psalm 56:8 You number my wandering, put my tears into your bottle; Are they not in your book?
Our tears so greatly move the Living God, that He stores them in treasured bottles. How precious is our God? Our God records, logs our every tear, jewel, hurt, joy, and sob in his book.
I think about a friend whose mom and dad passed away. How she is broken in two by this loss. I think of my beautiful Angel who lost her son all too early in life...This loss was never part of "Heaven's design for life on Earth."
I think of my wonderful family who brings tears of joy to my heart at the very mention of their names. I think of how I sob at the very thought of his name, how the sight of a hurting baby will cut me to the core...
I think of how the very presence of God broke me to mere tears.
We are moved to tears by deep joy or deep loss...both the essence and evidence of love. Is this why God collects our tears?
"Jesus Wept." (John 11:35). An Almighty God broken and humbled by an unbearable burden. A burden too heavy for us to carry, that He gave His life for us. Yet our hearts cry "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1) when we experience pain.
Remember ... God treasures our tears. Tears are the true jewels of humanity.
**Have a good cry and know that your tears are not shed without purpose ... **
Our tears so greatly move the Living God, that He stores them in treasured bottles. How precious is our God? Our God records, logs our every tear, jewel, hurt, joy, and sob in his book.
I think about a friend whose mom and dad passed away. How she is broken in two by this loss. I think of my beautiful Angel who lost her son all too early in life...This loss was never part of "Heaven's design for life on Earth."
I think of my wonderful family who brings tears of joy to my heart at the very mention of their names. I think of how I sob at the very thought of his name, how the sight of a hurting baby will cut me to the core...
I think of how the very presence of God broke me to mere tears.
We are moved to tears by deep joy or deep loss...both the essence and evidence of love. Is this why God collects our tears?
"Jesus Wept." (John 11:35). An Almighty God broken and humbled by an unbearable burden. A burden too heavy for us to carry, that He gave His life for us. Yet our hearts cry "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1) when we experience pain.
Remember ... God treasures our tears. Tears are the true jewels of humanity.
**Have a good cry and know that your tears are not shed without purpose ... **
- To salt the Earth.
- To season the soul of man.
- To bring praise to the soul of your God.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Bre/ak
My brain just needs a break, a chance to sleep! Weekends only bring me more work and homework. . . I can hardly wait for December! Two more months!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Well...
Ok well now that I am done being a crybaby I can do what I have to do. :)
So yesterday for about the third time, somebody told me that I am becoming rude, losing my compassion, and that I think I can get whatever I want just because I am me. Well that's not the person I want to be so I suppose I better change and get back with the program. Sometimes I don't realize that I am being rude, how do I stop that? Sometimes I say things that hurt other people because I feel that they need to be said...how do I learn compassion again? Sometimes I pose "threats" to get what I want, I want to be a team player again.
I should recognize when I am being rude, but sometimes I honestly don't catch myself. (Which is really bad!) People around me are not always able to tell if I am being sarcastic or serious. I am trying, I sometimes need reminding. But then, when someone "reminds" me that I am being rude; I take their honesty out of context and consider them rude. I have issues! UGH!
Unlike the fact that I don't always notice when I am rude, I do notice that I am being less and less compassionate with other adults. Sometimes I hear the hostility in my voice and in my words ... and yet I continue saying what I started to say. I need to be humbled some how; do I need to lose everything in order to gain? **Inside thought ... Now I understand!**
OK, now now I need to stop thinking that I am indispensible ... I need to stop thinking that I can say or do what I want to get what I need. Sometimes I will have to wait, sometimes I will need to put all else aside and realize that no matter how much I deserver it I need to have patience. Even though I do realize that I am an important part of the process, I am essential and I am an asset ... I also need to realize that I am PART of the process and if it weren't for everything else involved then there would be no process at all!
My next steps ...
1. Don't speak without knowing what to say. Before you speak, make sure to put meaning behind your words, and individualize/personalize conversations.
2. Find a way to humble yourself; Go to each room in your house and choose 10 things that you don't need, things that someone else can use.
3. Look at things as a whole; realize that when you take one ingredient out of the cake the cake is no longer good. TRUST each ingredient to do his/her part, don't assumet that one ingredient will fail.
Speak words of life!
So yesterday for about the third time, somebody told me that I am becoming rude, losing my compassion, and that I think I can get whatever I want just because I am me. Well that's not the person I want to be so I suppose I better change and get back with the program. Sometimes I don't realize that I am being rude, how do I stop that? Sometimes I say things that hurt other people because I feel that they need to be said...how do I learn compassion again? Sometimes I pose "threats" to get what I want, I want to be a team player again.
I should recognize when I am being rude, but sometimes I honestly don't catch myself. (Which is really bad!) People around me are not always able to tell if I am being sarcastic or serious. I am trying, I sometimes need reminding. But then, when someone "reminds" me that I am being rude; I take their honesty out of context and consider them rude. I have issues! UGH!
Unlike the fact that I don't always notice when I am rude, I do notice that I am being less and less compassionate with other adults. Sometimes I hear the hostility in my voice and in my words ... and yet I continue saying what I started to say. I need to be humbled some how; do I need to lose everything in order to gain? **Inside thought ... Now I understand!**
OK, now now I need to stop thinking that I am indispensible ... I need to stop thinking that I can say or do what I want to get what I need. Sometimes I will have to wait, sometimes I will need to put all else aside and realize that no matter how much I deserver it I need to have patience. Even though I do realize that I am an important part of the process, I am essential and I am an asset ... I also need to realize that I am PART of the process and if it weren't for everything else involved then there would be no process at all!
My next steps ...
1. Don't speak without knowing what to say. Before you speak, make sure to put meaning behind your words, and individualize/personalize conversations.
2. Find a way to humble yourself; Go to each room in your house and choose 10 things that you don't need, things that someone else can use.
3. Look at things as a whole; realize that when you take one ingredient out of the cake the cake is no longer good. TRUST each ingredient to do his/her part, don't assumet that one ingredient will fail.
Speak words of life!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
If I could write a letter to you ...
So I started this blog with the intentions of venting my frustrations about my dad... but this is the first blog I actually write about my dad.
I don't even know where to start...It's like my mind went blank. Let me get right to the point, I am still hanging onto an old hurt; I find it extremely hard to let go of this anger and bitterness I feel. The longer I hold onto things, the harder it is to let things go. It's like the anger, the bitterness clings to my heart and somehow becomes a part of me. So here are somethings that I might actually say to my dad (if I ever found the courage to do it again...)
I wish I could say that I am good at forgiving and forgetting but I'd not only be lying to you, but to myself. I don't know how to forgive and forget; or maybe I do know how and I just choose not to. Because it is easier to stay mad at you than to actually try and rebuild our relationship. I hold so tightly to some things that everytime something new happens I resort back to that pain and hurt I felt with you. Sometimes I remember that hurt so deeply that I can actually feel my jaw cracking and my fists clenching so hard my nails dig into my skin.
Eventually I am going to have to get over it, move on, and see things in a whole new light. But how? Obviously I am my fathers daughter, because I remember what it cost you to hold onto your anger. I remember what you lost and what you exchanged in order to hold bitterness and pride close to your heart. But since I know what holding onto pain costs, shouldn't I easily be able to let go of things?? Well guess what, I CANNOT!
Even though I find myself happy, and looking at the glass half full I still have that anger planted in the back of my mind. You hurt me, without cause or reason. I was a kid for crying out loud. Now you just expect me to move on and forget about everything in our past? Well I'm sorry but I can't do that. I'm not asking you for the world, I'm just asking you to, for once, put me first; give me the respect and love that I deserve.
Dad, where were you when I needed you? Where were you when you were suppose to be the one man that wouldn't let me down? I don't know where you were then, but I know where you are now... not by my side.
Sometimes I can just cry and cry and cry. I am emotionally overwhelmed some days. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to get over things. But I'm learning, I'm growing; and I may not be where I want to be today, but I am definitely headed in the right direction with or without you.
J.
This blog was inspired by a stranger ... she gave me the courage to write it.
“Whenever I think about hanging on to an old hurt, hanging on to bitterness, hanging on to anger, I think of my dad. I think of what it cost him to hold onto his anger, of what he exchanged in order to have the privilege of holding those injustices close to his heart. And I let it go. It's easy to let things go, when you really know what it costs.”
-Navel Gazing
I don't even know where to start...It's like my mind went blank. Let me get right to the point, I am still hanging onto an old hurt; I find it extremely hard to let go of this anger and bitterness I feel. The longer I hold onto things, the harder it is to let things go. It's like the anger, the bitterness clings to my heart and somehow becomes a part of me. So here are somethings that I might actually say to my dad (if I ever found the courage to do it again...)
I wish I could say that I am good at forgiving and forgetting but I'd not only be lying to you, but to myself. I don't know how to forgive and forget; or maybe I do know how and I just choose not to. Because it is easier to stay mad at you than to actually try and rebuild our relationship. I hold so tightly to some things that everytime something new happens I resort back to that pain and hurt I felt with you. Sometimes I remember that hurt so deeply that I can actually feel my jaw cracking and my fists clenching so hard my nails dig into my skin.
Eventually I am going to have to get over it, move on, and see things in a whole new light. But how? Obviously I am my fathers daughter, because I remember what it cost you to hold onto your anger. I remember what you lost and what you exchanged in order to hold bitterness and pride close to your heart. But since I know what holding onto pain costs, shouldn't I easily be able to let go of things?? Well guess what, I CANNOT!
Even though I find myself happy, and looking at the glass half full I still have that anger planted in the back of my mind. You hurt me, without cause or reason. I was a kid for crying out loud. Now you just expect me to move on and forget about everything in our past? Well I'm sorry but I can't do that. I'm not asking you for the world, I'm just asking you to, for once, put me first; give me the respect and love that I deserve.
Dad, where were you when I needed you? Where were you when you were suppose to be the one man that wouldn't let me down? I don't know where you were then, but I know where you are now... not by my side.
Sometimes I can just cry and cry and cry. I am emotionally overwhelmed some days. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to get over things. But I'm learning, I'm growing; and I may not be where I want to be today, but I am definitely headed in the right direction with or without you.
J.
This blog was inspired by a stranger ... she gave me the courage to write it.
“Whenever I think about hanging on to an old hurt, hanging on to bitterness, hanging on to anger, I think of my dad. I think of what it cost him to hold onto his anger, of what he exchanged in order to have the privilege of holding those injustices close to his heart. And I let it go. It's easy to let things go, when you really know what it costs.”
-Navel Gazing
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