So I started this blog with the intentions of venting my frustrations about my dad... but this is the first blog I actually write about my dad.
I don't even know where to start...It's like my mind went blank. Let me get right to the point, I am still hanging onto an old hurt; I find it extremely hard to let go of this anger and bitterness I feel. The longer I hold onto things, the harder it is to let things go. It's like the anger, the bitterness clings to my heart and somehow becomes a part of me. So here are somethings that I might actually say to my dad (if I ever found the courage to do it again...)
I wish I could say that I am good at forgiving and forgetting but I'd not only be lying to you, but to myself. I don't know how to forgive and forget; or maybe I do know how and I just choose not to. Because it is easier to stay mad at you than to actually try and rebuild our relationship. I hold so tightly to some things that everytime something new happens I resort back to that pain and hurt I felt with you. Sometimes I remember that hurt so deeply that I can actually feel my jaw cracking and my fists clenching so hard my nails dig into my skin.
Eventually I am going to have to get over it, move on, and see things in a whole new light. But how? Obviously I am my fathers daughter, because I remember what it cost you to hold onto your anger. I remember what you lost and what you exchanged in order to hold bitterness and pride close to your heart. But since I know what holding onto pain costs, shouldn't I easily be able to let go of things?? Well guess what, I CANNOT!
Even though I find myself happy, and looking at the glass half full I still have that anger planted in the back of my mind. You hurt me, without cause or reason. I was a kid for crying out loud. Now you just expect me to move on and forget about everything in our past? Well I'm sorry but I can't do that. I'm not asking you for the world, I'm just asking you to, for once, put me first; give me the respect and love that I deserve.
Dad, where were you when I needed you? Where were you when you were suppose to be the one man that wouldn't let me down? I don't know where you were then, but I know where you are now... not by my side.
Sometimes I can just cry and cry and cry. I am emotionally overwhelmed some days. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to get over things. But I'm learning, I'm growing; and I may not be where I want to be today, but I am definitely headed in the right direction with or without you.
J.
This blog was inspired by a stranger ... she gave me the courage to write it.
“Whenever I think about hanging on to an old hurt, hanging on to bitterness, hanging on to anger, I think of my dad. I think of what it cost him to hold onto his anger, of what he exchanged in order to have the privilege of holding those injustices close to his heart. And I let it go. It's easy to let things go, when you really know what it costs.”
-Navel Gazing
